14 Simple Rules
by musicismybf17
Summary: There are just 14 simple rules that the twilight gang had to learn the hard way. Extremely funny! R&R canon couples, all human... Won't regret reading.
1. 1st Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

********************************************************

BPOV

Today is my first day working at my new job. I finally quit my job at Newton's. His antics to get me to dump Edward for him were getting ridiculous so I just had to get away. Now I'm stuck in an office.

Edward was sympathetic toward me so he promised to come with me today. My first day on the job.

"Are you sure about this, love?" Edward asked for the ump-teenth time.

"Yes, Edward. Now calm down. Everything will be fine." I assured him.

Edward and I walked out of the elevator hand in hand. The secretary showed me to my prison cell of an 'office'. Before I could even sit down, there was a knock on my door.

It opened before I could even answer it. How rude.

A tall, pretty red-head walked in holding two bottles of water and a can of coke. She looked very office-like in her pencil skirt and tucked in button-up blouse. Man. She must be smart! Look at her!

"Hi. I heard you're new but I need some serious help!" She said frantically.

"Sure. What's the problem?"

"Well." She said as she set her drinks onto my desk. "I'm confused. I don't know which of these drinks has less calories. You see. I'm on a diet..." She trailed off at my disbelieving look. How the hell could she not know that water has 0 calories? Even if she didn't know, all she had to do was read the health chart above the ingredients and read the amount of calories.

Edward started laughing his ass off. He couldn't help it.

"What's so funny?" She asked confused again.

"Well. Usually drinks that don't have sugar have less calories." I said as lightly as I could.

"Oh. Okay." She said. Then she concentrated extremely hard on her drinks. She finally walked over to a cupboard at the back wall and pulled out a cup.

She poured the coke and a bottle of water into the cup. Gross! Watery coke!

"Thanks!" She said after a sip of her concotion. Her face didn't even show any displeasure in drinking her witches brew! "I can taste the diet working already!"

And with that she walked out of my office and closed the door behind her leaving the unopened water bottle on my desk.

I turned to Edward and he started cracking up again.

"You were right, Bella." Edward said while laughing. "You're going to be just fine working here!" He held his sides because he was laughing so hard.

I narrowed my eyes at him and glared. "Well at least she gave me a water bottle. Now I don't have to buy one."

I learned an extremely valuable lesson today. Looks can be extremely deceiving.

**Rule: Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.**


	2. 2nd Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

**************************************

BPOV

"Bella. Can I tell you a story?" Emmett asked me.

"Sure Em. Shoot." I said.

"Well. Once upon a time there was girl. This girl would sit with her five awesome friends while they were passing jokes around. Now. This girl would sit there in confusion while everyone was laughing hard enough to kill them. Now, Bella. I want you to tell me who this girl is." Emmett said.

"Uhm...erm...the girl is...Alice!" I said sure of myself. Everyone burst out laughing as Alice glared at me.

"Actually, Bella. You're the girl. You're extremely slow!" Alice shouted still angry at my guess.

Everyone burst out into even more laughter. They could've been drunk for how much they've been laughing. And it seems like they're able to laugh without breathing.

"See, Bella! You're still the only one not laughing!" Emmett boomed.

I crossed my arms and pouted my lips. They just laughed even more. What are Esme and Carlisle doing out so long?!?! I need someone to save me from this madness!

**Rule: He who laughs last, thinks slowest.**


	3. 3rd Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

********************************************

EPOV

I was out with Bella, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie bowling. We were getting pretty thirsty after all of our competitiveness out on the bowling alley so we stopped by the vending machine for some drinks.

We came to this bowling alley practically every Saturday, so we were shocked to see that the vending machine wasn't near the desk anymore. The lady at the desk laughed at our dumb-founded expressions.

"The vending machine's spot has changed. It's near the bathrooms now." She said with a smile in my direction. I'm sure Bella noticed that too because she suddenly held my hand in a death grip.

I decided to tease my flirting friend at the desk. "Thank you very much." I said with a smile. Then I turned to Bella. "We should bring the kids here sometime. I know that Jimmy would love to meet all of these friendly people!" I said with an inconspicuous wink. Bella caught on soon enough and played along.

"Yeah. He would definetely love it here. But I'm not so sure about the other seven kids." The others were screaming with laughter on the inside. We decided we'd had enough fun and made our way to the vending machine.

"What was that about? Not that I wouldn't like to see something that funny again!" Alice asked with a giggle.

"Just having some shameless fun with strangers who try to mess with my man." Bella said with a little possessive tone.

"Easy there tiger." I said making everyone laugh even more.

"And just so you know. If we ever have kids, none of them will be named Jimmy." Bella's look was so murderous that I just nodded and gulped nervously with wide-eyes. I'll definetely be giving her the reigns when it comes to naming our children...if it ever happens...*wink wink*

The cost of the vending machine was a dollar and forty cents so I put a dollar and fifty cents inside the machine to get a root beer, but nothing happened.

I started pushing the button for root beer rapidly then proceeded to push the machine around. The girls found this funny while the guys found this amusing. I didn't find this either funny or amusing. IT ATE MY CHANGE!

"SON OF A BITCH! IT ATE MY CHANGE!! I WANT MY ROOT BEER!! I WANT MY 20 CENTS!" I screamed like a maniac while slamming the machine into the wall in hopes of getting what I paid for.

The lady from the desk came over to see what all of the commotion was about.

"Uhm, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to stop shaking the machine. It's a safety hazard and we really don't want to have to bill you for a replacement vending machine." She said calmly.

"WHAT THE FUCK? BILL ME? SAFETY HAZARD?! ALL I WANT IS MY DAMN ROOT BEER AND MY 20 FUCKING CENTS!!!!!!" I screamed back.

She was taken aback by how brusque I was with her. "But sir I -"

"I WANT MY FUCKING CHANGE AND DRINK!!" I interrupted while shaking the machine. It finally fell over onto it's side on the ground and everything inside of the machine started to fall out. Emmett, Jasper, Bella, Rosalie, and Alice started grabbing all of the drinks.

Because there was five of them, they got every single drink and ran to the car. Bella had the car keys. They'd wait in there for me and lock the doors.

I was about to make a run for it when I felt heavy hands on both of my shoulders. I turned to find two massive security guards and the owner of the bowling alley glaring at me. Evidently pissed. I would be too if some crazy lunatic went around breaking vending machine, stealing all of the pop inside of it while screaming like a mental case.

"You're going to pay for that son." The owner said. "Here's the bill for all of the damage."

I took the bill and stared at it in hopes of some of the zeros falling off of the large number. It didn't work. At least they didn't bill me for the stolen pop.

I suddenly got a bright idea. I ripped the bill to bits, threw it at the ground, stomped on the bits, and made a run for the door.

"HAHA BITCHES!" I yelled behind me.

"WE HAVE YOUR LICENSE PLATE, SON!" The owner yelled back at me.

"Shit." I mumbled. And continued to walk out with my head down.

**Rule: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.**


	4. 4th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

************************************************

BPOV

"Emmett! You're going to get in trouble!" Rosalie told Emmett for the millionth time.

Emmett got the bright idea that he should get his revenge on the principal by hacking the principal's computer and screwing up everything from the schedule's to the calendar's to the report cards and exams.

"Emmett! Get out of there!" Rosalie and I said from the window. Edward, Jasper, and Alice passed by us and came up to the window.

"What are you guys doing?" Alice asked.

"Look for yourselves." I said pointing into the office that we were peering into.

"Emmett Cullen! Get your ass out of the principal's office this instant!" Jasper said imitating Esme's scolding voice.

We all stared at him wide-eyed. I'm sure we were all giving him a wtf look.

"What?" He asked innocently. "I thought that I'd give it a try." He said.

Just then the principal walked into the office and Emmett was caught red handed at the computer.

"Mr. Cullen! What are you doing in here?"

"I...erm...uhm...yeah...about that..." Emmett sputtered. The lame ass had no excuse this time. Perfect. Just perfect.

The principal turned his stone cold glare to the five of us at the window.

"All of you! Suspended for a month!" With that he walked out.

"Emmett you fucking asshat!" Rosalie screamed.

"Nice going dipshit. Nice going!" Alice yelled.

"So...who's going to tell Esme?" I asked. Everyone looked like they just suffered a heart attack. All I know is that I'm putting it all on Emmett.

**Rule: Those who live by the sword gets shot by those who don't.**


	5. 5th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

**************************************************

BPOV

Another day, another dumbass idea. Emmett somehow got the stupid idea into his thick head that having a party while Esme and Carlisle were away on 'business' as a good plan. This is going to end with all of us hammered, me injured, and all of us grounded for life.

"Emmett. You are not throwing this party!" Rosalie warned.

Emmett just smiled and nodded. As I said. Thick head.

Five minutes later, there were random people from our school at our door.

Alice jumped up to answer the door. "Who are you?" She asked.

"We're here for the party." A heard a voice say and then people just started flooding the house.

The house was packed in a matter of minutes, and the Cullen house isn't exactly easy to fill.

"Emmett!" Rosalie screeched over the music. Everyone turned to her. "What?!" She screamed and everyone quickly went back to what they were doing. Jasper somehow found all of this amusing so Alice slapped the back of his head.

"What?" Jasper whined. Alice gave him a knowing look.

Emmett quickly ran over to Rosalie and gave a her a big hug and kiss. Rosalie ripped Emmett's face off of her own and the fighting began.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you trying to put our heads on a chopping block?! You already got us in trouble for getting suspended for the whole computer hacking thing and here you go again with the stupid jackass-ness! When will you fucking learn!??!?!" With that, Rosalie pushed her way through the crowd and made her way upstairs.

The doorbell rang at least forty more times and more random people filled the house.

Jasper started grabbing drinks and dancing. I still don't know how he could be enjoying himself at a time like this. I know I wasn't enjoying myself. There were Fork's own hos and hookers trying to get with Edward. He was trying to be polite about rejecting them, but I was going to blow a gasket pretty soon.

All of sudden the music just stopped. Someone pulled the plug and then we all heard Rosalie screaming at the top of her lungs.

"BITCH! GET THE FUCK OUT AND STAY OUT OF MY DAMN BED!!" She screamed. Then we all saw her push a happy half-naked couple down the stairs. People started to laugh when we saw that the happy couple was Mike and Jessica.

I felt someone grip my hand then and turned to see that it wasn't Edward. It was Tyler."What the hell, Tyler!" I said ripping my hand out of his. I scanned the crowd and saw that Edward was being mauled by at least eight different ho-bags. I forced my way through the crowd and threw the girls off of Edward. Edward never looked so relieved in his life. Three of the girls wouldn't let go.

"GET THE HELL OF BITCH!" I screamed. They let go and scurried away.

"Thanks Bella." Edward whispered in my ear. Then he kissed me in front of everyone. A little too hot of a kiss for having company over. People started making cat calls and the hos started snickering and whimpering and whatever the hell they do when they're upset.

Edward let me go and started dragging me upstairs but I felt a hand stop me. It was none other than Tyler. He pulled me away from Edward and then kissed me. And I must say that it was utterly repulsive.

I bit him and kicked him in his balls. Then Edward nearly punched the teeth out of his mouth.

"DON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN ASSHOLE!" I screamed and kicked his balls harder than before a couple more times.

Jasper started laughing hysterically. This could only mean one thing. He's drunk. Then the door opened. Everyone dropped their cups and hookers when they saw that Carlisle and Esme were standing at the door. Carlisle had his eyes all over the crowd and Esme had her eyes zeroed in on her coffee table that was being occupied but a few drunk lovers.

Everyone rushed for the door and Esme and Carlisle got out of the way. Emmett tried to sneak out with the crowd but Esme saw him and grabbed the back of his neck. He whimpered at Esme's grasp. Once the house was empty, there were beer cans, bottles, cups, various spilled drinks and clothes on the floor. The house wreaked and the place was a complete and total mess.

"Who?" Esme asked as calmly as possible.

"EMMETT!" Everyone screamed while pointing toward Emmett.

"Thanks guys." Emmett muttered.

"So you planned a party while we were gone? I'm disappointed in you, Emmett." Carlisle said.

"You would've had to be pleased with Emmett in the first place to be disappointed with him now, but it's never possible to be pleased with him." Edward said. I laughed. Rosalie was giving her bitchiest glare to Emmett. Jasper was still laughing hysterically. Alice was trying to get Jasper to stop laughing hysterically.

Esme had her hands clenched into fists by now and Carlisle was trying to soothe Esme, but he was failing by the looks of Esme's expression.

Esme grabbed Emmett's ear and dragged him over to her most prized possession. Her beloved coffee table.

"Look at this, Emmett! Look at it! How could you let anything happen to my coffee table?! How!?!" Esme was going to flip on Emmett, so she let him go and we all ran upstairs.

Once we were all in Emmett's room, we snapped.

"Sorry guys! I thought the plan was foolproof." Emmett explained.

"Oh, so you never took it into account that the parents might come back when they said they would?" I asked with heavy sarcasm.

"They came back early!" Emmett defended.

"Actually, Emmett. They came back at five minutes ago. They said they'd be home at 9:30. It is now 9:35." Edward explained.

"Shit." Emmett gave up.

**Rule: **Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


	6. 6th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

*********************************************

JPOV

Somehow Emmett has made it onto the hit t.v. show 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. Yeah, I know. How the hell did dumbass Emmett make it? I guess we'll never know.

Emmett is on the first question.

"Ok, Emmett." The host, Regis Philbin, said. "Are you ready for your first question?" He asked.

"Yup." Emmett answered simply.

"Okay. Your first question is, 'Which meal do you eat first?' A) dinner, B) breakfast, C) lunch, or D) snack?" Oh c'mon. This is practically the easiest question to ever grace this earth!

"Uhm..." Uhm?! How is there an uhm!?! There shouldn't be any of that!

"Can I use a lifeline?" Emmett asked. The dumbass is going to waste a lifeline!

"Sure." Regis gave him an 'are you really that stupid' look. "Which one? 50/50, phone a friend, or ask the audience."

"Uh...I'll take 50/50, Regis." Emmett is such an idiot...

"Okay. Computer, please eliminate two incorrect answers from the board." After Regis said that, C) lunch and D) snack disappeared. Honestly. Dinner and breakfast are left. There is no way that Emmett will get this wrong.

"Please give us your answer Emmett." Regis pushed.

"Uhm.. Well after the 50/50 thingy, the answer is completely clear to me. The answer is A. Dinner." O-M-FUCKING-G! He did not just say dinner!

Regis shot him a plain and clear wtf look. "Are you sure, Emmett? Final answer."

"Final answer." Then sad music played and the computer turned the answer red. It was wrong.

"It was wrong?" Emmett asked sadly. No fucking shit Sherlock!

"Jasper!" Emmett yelled of screen to me. Hell no. No one can know that we're related...well kinda...not really. "Can you believe this?" Emmett yelled toward me.

"Who the hell are you!?" I asked and then turned to walk away.

I heard Emmett's mock-sobbing behind me. "No! My family has abandoned me!"

**Rule: The 50/50/90 rule-- Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability that you'll get it wrong.**


	7. 7th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

***************************************************

BPOV

I was over at the Cullen's house again. We were playing scrabble and Edward and Alice were currently fighting for the lead. The teams were me and Edward, Alice and Jasper, and Rosalie and Emmett. Carlisle and Esme are...'out'. Edward and Alice were just sitting staring at their own letters, waiting for someone to make a move.

"Holy jeez! Move a damn letter already!" Emmett shouted. Everyone stared at him. "Oh like you all weren't thinking it too! Especially you, Bellzie!" Emmett accused pointing straight at me. Gosh he can be so embarassing.

Alice was about to make a move but there was a huge and unexpected flash of lightning outside. Everyone jumped. The screaming started when the lights went out.

"Bella. Bella. Bella!" Edward tried to stop my screaming but I couldn't even see him! I can't see my gorgeous Edward so of course I'm going to start panicking and screaming.

I felt lips press to mine and that surely stopped my screaming.

"Thank God! I didn't think she'd ever shut up!" I heard Rosalie say.

"What'd you do, Eddie?" Jasper asked. I'm sure Edward was grimacing at his unfavourable nickname.

"I just showed Bella here how to play tonsil hockey." Edward said with a laugh. Everyone made disgusted sounds.

"Okay. Let's get upstairs. There are emergency flashlights in all of the bedrooms." Alice said.

"One problem. How is the klutz going to get upstairs?" I asked nervously. Everyone laughed.

"Actually two problems. The klutz getting upstairs is definetely one and the other one is that we can't see anything to get up the stairs. We'll all become klutzy because of the darkness and Bella is at the greatest disadvantage out of all of us. Her klutziness just tripled!" Rosalie said. Everyone burst out laughing.

"Rosalie! Oh if only I could see where your face was..." Edward said. At least someone wasn't busy laughing and able to defend me.

"Okay. Well because of dumbass Emmett, we have to go into the basement." Alice said. More laughter.

I heard everyone get up.

"Bella?" Edward asked frantically.

"I'm not moving from this damn spot, Cullen! You don't seem to understand what kind of danger I am in right now." I answered.

He chuckled. "Don't worry, Bella. I'll carry you." He said and he picked me up.

"But what if you fall!" Everyone just laughed once again.

Edward switched me around to his back and before I knew it, we were at the basement door. Or so we thought. Edward walked in and he bumped into something. A countertop. I quickly realized that based on the small size of the room that we had ended up in the bathroom. Great.

"Oops. Wrong door." Edward laughed.

It took about twenty minutes for all of us to get into the basement. Once we were there, Emmett went off to retrieve the flashlights that he hid.

"Oh shit. They're dead." Emmett said as he whipped something against the ground.

"Did you just break the flashlight?" I asked on the verge of getting pissed.

"The batteries were dead!" Emmett defended himself.

"So are the ones in these flashlights. Shit." Alice said.

"So what you're saying is that we're stuck in this scary, dark and cold basement in the dark, during a thunderstorm..." I asked as calmly as I could.

"Uhm... Bella...it'll be okay.." Jasper tried to calm me.

"WHO THE HELL LEAVES OLD BATTERIES IN EMERGENCY FLASHLIGHTS!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!?? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT NEW BATTERIES IN THEM!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SPARE BATTERIES!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I guess that it's safe to say that I've lost my mind.

"Bella is sleeping on the other side of the basement tonight!" Rosalie said.

**Rule:****A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. **


	8. 8th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

******************************************************

**BPOV**

Emmett has already thought up another one of his dumbass ideas. Great. Someone (most likely me) is going to get hurt. Emmett decided that he wanted to do something that no other man, woman, or thing on this earth could do. I don't know how but he came up with the genius idea of lining up all of the cars in the world end to end and he would pass them by running up and down hills on the foggiest night in Forks. Shit he's stupid. Esme must've dropped him at birth or something.

"Emmett. You're not serious about this are you?" I asked for the millionth time.

Rosalie sighed. "He's an idiot. Just don't come running to me when you die or end up in jail." I just love Rosalie and her amazing and witty logic.

"I'm gonna do it and don't worry about me Rose. I'll live and the cops won't be able to catch me. And what is so illegal about running past all the cars in the world?" He still doesn't get that he'll be running around the world.

"Don't worry, Emmett. You'll find a way to make this dumbass idea of yours illegal. Shit I need to go out more." Rosalie groaned.

**************************************

We finally got to the starting point of this 'race' Emmett has set up for himself. We got a few creepers that own tow trucks to line up fifty cars along seven hills. Yeah. These hills are massive. I saw Emmett's eyes widen when we pulled up in front of them. We only setup seven hills because we all took bets and came to the conclusion he would make it seven hills maximum. Alice was nice enough to throw in seven. Rosalie (Emmett's one and only true love) concluded that he'd only make it a hill and a half and then collapse in exhaustion. Ah....young love...

"All the cars are set up, miss." One of the creeper tow truck drivers said to me.

I smiled and huge fake smile. "Thanks. How much will it be?"

"Just come back to my place and we're even." He smiled and waggled his eyebrows. What a sicko.

"I was talking about money, asshole. How much do you fucking want?" I said getting impatient as hell.

He was smart and took my warning. "Uhm...it's okay. We'll just go.." Then he quickly jumped into his truck and sped off leaving his other friend.

He looked at the truck speeding off. "What the fuck! I better be getting paid!" He yelled after the truck. "Asshat..." The guy mumbled and sped off in his truck after the other guy.

I smiled to myself. I didn't need Edward to handle all of my problems, but of course I still need him. I love him!

************************************

When Edward finally showed up, Emmett started running. He made it up one hill with great difficulty, and then disaster struck when he tried to go down the other side of the hill. Emmett is huge so he fell when the hill got too steep and started rolling. Alice and I screamed in horror. Jasper and Edward started laughing. Rosalie was filming the whole thing.

Emmett's rolling figure finally came to a stop at the bottom of the hill and he was unmoving. Then he finally got up and he yelled back to us.

"GUYS! I DON'T THINK I WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE!" We all started laughing at that.

"IT WAS YOUR DUMBASS IDEA!" I yelled back. I could see him frown.

Just then a cop came up behind us.

"I've received a noise complaint from the neighbours nearby. Who is the cause of all of this noise?" We all stood there silently.

"IT'S HIM!" Rosalie screamed while pointing to Emmett who was now laying on the ground. He looked like he was dead.

The cop looked over at Emmett and approached him with caution and very slowly. The cop probably thought that Emmett was dead too.

"Son? Are you the cause of the noise and trouble?" The cop yelled to Emmett. Emmett's head jerked up in response and he got up groggily and started running.

The cop ran after his suspect and Emmett was dumb enough to try to escape the cop by running up the hill. Dumbass move after dumbass move. Then Emmett got too tired and started rolling back down the hill from the way he came. It sucked for the cop because Emmett rolled over the cop.

The cop and Emmett were laying on the ground. The cop prudently grabbed a walkie-talkie that was clipped to his belt and mumbled, "I need back-up."

We immediately heard sirens.

"Shit! Run! It's the po-po!" Rosalie screamed and we all ran for our cars.

We all convinced Rosalie to pick up Emmett and we'd all drive back home different ways. Rosalie hopped into her convertible and drove up beside Emmett. We all helped her shove Emmett into the backseat. Then she drove off. Alice and Jasper got into Alice's porsche, while Edward and I got into the Volvo. We made a sweet escape.

**Rule: ****If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be **

**stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the **

**fog. **

**7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be **

**stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the **

**fog. **


	9. 9th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

***************************************************

**Dudes! I know, I know....what happened. Well I just want to thank all you guys that are sticking with me and my stories even though I've been away from writing for quite some time. I am totally stoked since I'm on vacation with my boyfriend, but I'm really sorry to keep you guys waiting...I'm using my bf's laptop right now, so I'll get as much writing completed as possible. I'm in London right now and I'll be heading off to Italy in like two days, so I'll try my best to get as much writing done as possible in two days. Thanks again guys, and I really hope I still have all of the love and support that I had from my fans when I just got started on fanfics. As long as I have my fans, I'll be able to keep on rockin! **

**BPOV**

I have been cursing Alice to the fiery pits of hell for the past three hours. She woke me up at four o'clock in the morning to fix me up for school today. You've got to be kidding me! I've lost three valuable hours of sleep because Alice wants to give me a f'kin makeover! Total bullshit...

"Alice!" I whined. "Are you done yet?"

"Stop whining, Bella. It could be worse." Alice assured me. How could it possibly be worse than this?

In the past three hours, I've had my skin scrubbed, smoothed, plucked, pulled, and pefected, I've had my hair curled, crimped, waved, and straightened, and I've tried on enough outfits to fill a whole fashion show. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was now 7:30 am. We had exactly half an hour to get ready for school. I'm usually awake by now. Usually.

I heard footsteps and saw Edward pass by.

"Hey Alice." She's always up early to get 'beautiful' even though she already is. Edward didn't notice me at first so he walked back to the door.

"What are you doing to my Bella?" Edward asked.

"Nothing. Just having some girl time. Now go away." Alice said.

I tried to Edward a distress signal but Alice got up and slammed the door in Edward's face. Since he couldn't see me, I started screaming for help.

"HELP ME! SOMEONE! ANYONE! PLEASE! SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY! HELP ME DAMMIT!" I screamed over and over again. I heard a loud booming laughter coming from downstairs. Must be Emmett. Of course he would find something like this funny.

Alice threw her hand over my mouth and shushed me.

"Do you want the neighbours to call the cops on us?" Alice asked exasperated.

"That's the idea when someone is attacking you." I said.

"How can I attack you with beauty products?" Alice asked annoyed.

"You're Alice. You're the only one in this world that can attack with beauty products." I replied.

"We just need to find you shoes and then we can go down and eat and go off to school to show these Forks hookers and hoes what style and fashion means. The Cullen way." She smiled at the thought of showing me off to the school.

Alice ran to her closet and started rummaging through her shoes. This is going to take a while considering Alice has a million pairs of shoes. Proving me wrong as always, Alice's head popped out of the closet and she came back with a box.

"Put these on and meet us downstairs." She left and I got up to look in the mirror. At least I looked hot instead of tired. I went back to the bed and picked up the box of shoes. I opened it and found six inch heels. Wonderful. Give the klutz the high heels. And what made it even worse is that they were stilettos. I just hope I don't break a heel today because that would seriously suck.

I put them on and found that one of them wouldn't fit. I looked at their individual sizes and saw that one of them was my size, size 7 1/2, and the other was a size 6. Great. Just fucking perfect!

I stuffed my foot into the other shoe against my better judgement and walked downstairs. My left foot was swelling by now. I got to kitchen and sat down for breakfast. My foot was hurting already. Maybe I should tell Alice.

"Alice. I need to tell you-" I began and was then interrupted by Emmett.

"Whoa Bella! What are you wearing?" I blushed and Edward growled at him.

"Well, _I _think that Bella looks beatiful as always." Edward defended.

Esme glanced at the clock and kicked us out of the house.

************************************************

School passed by in a loud and crazy blur. And there was an awful amount of pain in this blur. Dammit I shouldn't have worn these today!

********************************************

When I got back home to the Cullen's house, my foot had blisters and sores. Yeah! BLISTERS AND SORES!

I sighed as we pulled up in front of the Cullens' house. Everyone got out and Edward came around to my side of the car to open my door for me (as always); always the gentleman. He shot me a confused look when I didn't make a move to get out.

"Edward...foot...tight shoe...ALL DAY!" He looked concerned and carried me inside.

When we got in the house, everyone was wondering why I stalled to come in.

"What happened, Bella?" Alice asked concerned.

I glared at her as Edward set me down on the couch. "You're fucking shoe happened!" I yelled.

Alice's eyes zeroed in on my swollen, blistered and battered foot. "Shit, Bella. Why didn't you tell me? I would've gotten you another pair." I sighed. I was much too tired to argue with her.

Edward ground his teeth. "This is the last makeover you'll ever do on Bella, Alice." Edward said stern.

Alice innocently stood up with Jasper following and made her way upstairs. As she passed us by, I heard her mumble, "Definately not."

I groaned. She'll probably find a way to get me in another death trap called a makeover. Ugh....life with Alice.

**Rule: If the shoe fits, get one just like it.**


	10. 10th Simple Rule

Disclaimer-- I don't own Twilight or the rule.

**************************************************

**Dudes and dudettes...I know that the last chapter was shit, but I had writers block....I CAN'T EVEN WRITE SONGS!! It's such a tradgedy!!! My band is gonna be bummed man....enough with my band issues....on with the chapter! i really hope that this one is better than the last was. :)**

*****************************************************

BPOV

"Emmett! Do me a favour and shut the hell up!" I screamed for the fiftieth time. Emmett was whining like a two year old - about how much he wanted ice cream. Esme couldn't take it anymore after a full minute of non-stop Emmett whining, so she went out to buy some.

"No Bellzie! I want ice cream, and I WANT IT NOW!" Emmett got progressively louder as time went on. Rosalie was sitting on the edge of the sofa, clawing at the armrest. Alice was trying to attack Emmett, but Jasper was holding her back and trying to calm her. Edward had his head laid in my lap and was whimpering into my stomach. Edward sounded like he was close to tears. I couldn't blame him though.

After what seemed like an hour of Esme's absence, she returned home with her hands full.

Emmett raced for the door and instead of helping Esme bring in all of the bags, he attacked her and took out the neopolitan ice cream. I didn't realized how desperate he was until he ripped open the tub and began shoveling ice cream into his mouth with his hands.

Edward finally sat up and his face was red. He looked like he was crying. My poor baby.

"Edward? Were you crying?" Rosalie asked laughing a bit.

Edward self-conciously rubbed his eyes and said, "No. I had something in my eye." I laughed. I kissed Edward to make him feel better, but he quickly pulled away and ran for the ice cream.

I stared at my empty hands and then looked after Edward who was now attacking an unopened tub of ice cream.

"Way to break a girl's heart." I said sadly. Edward looked up at me.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Did you want some?" He asked me holding up the ice cream and his messy face. Emmett used his hands, Edward used just his mouth.

"Men." Rosalie muttered.

Esme had already walked up the stairs, probably to relax. She had given up completely on putting away the ice cream.

"Since I had to go through all of this unnecessary bullshit so that Emmett could get ice cream, I might as well have some." Alice said. Jasper followed.

"Me too." Rosalie went after them.

"Bells. Come take some." Jasper offered me a tub of Baskin Robbins cotton candy ice cream. My favourite.

"Thanks, but I think I'll wait til' you guys finish up over there." Jasper nodded and went back to his ice cream.

I went up stairs to relax. I decided to play a little guitar for ten minutes. When I went back down, there was the five of them passed out with tubs of ice cream all over the place. They looked like they had gotten attacked by the ice cream man.

I walked over and Emmett got up. They were all groaning and holding their stomachs.

"Hey Bellzie. Want some?" He asked holding up an empty ice cream tub.

"Uhm...I did but you guys seemed to have finished it all." I checked all of the containers and they were all empty. "Thanks guys....thanks.."

"Sorry." Emmett said sheepishly. "Oh, look. Eddie's sleeping. We should put lipstick on him." I smiled. He was being an ass before.

"Mmmm...Tanya....oh that feels so gooooooooooood...yea...shit...i'm coming!!" Emmett slapped his hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter. Alice looked deadly, Jasper looked seriously pissed, and Rosalie looked like she wanted to sack him. I was right. She raised her fist above his...uhm...danger zone...and was pounced and ready to strike, but I stopped her. She looked at me confused and pissed. I just shook my head, stood up, and stomped my foot into his danger zone. Edward's eyes shot open and he doubled over in pain while clutching his precious.

"What the fuck, Emmett!! Wait....BELLA!??!?! YOU SACKED ME?" He asked shocked.

"Well you were dreaming about Tanya, and it sure didn't sound too friendly!" He looked confused which pissed me off even more.

"Let me refresh your memory. Does 'Mmmm...Tanya....oh that feels so gooooooooooood...yea...shit...i'm coming!!' sound familiar to you?" I asked crossing my looked annoyed. "Actually I was moaning because we were kissing, I said Tanya because I saw her coming, what felt good was your hands in my hair, and then you ran away because Tanya said 'hi' to me, so I yelled to tell you that I was coming with you." He was laughing at the misconception I had made and all I could do was plaster a sorry look on my face and kiss him. I leaned forward and Edward sprung on top of me. He started to act out the dirty sounding parts of his dream and everyone left quickly.

I laughed. Edward got up and pulled something out from behind the couch. It was a tub of ice cream. I smiled.

"I knew that you'd want some." He said smiling wider.

"Thanks. I'm glad that I at least get to have some after Emmett started pigging out and all of the whining and...what the fuck! It's vanilla! You couldn't hide the cotton candy or the oreo ice cream?" I complained.

Edward laughed. I can always count on him! -_-

**Rule: ****The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those** **who got there first. **


End file.
